Saturday, October 20, 2012

31 days of 20 (A very personal story)

I have had an internal debate over this post.  I prayed for God to show me what He wanted me to write this morning.  My heart kept coming back to what I am about to write.  This is a very personal post for me.  It would be easier for me to write something else, but Jesus hasn't called me to live an easy life.  He has called us all to live meaningful lives.  I have tears in my eyes as I prepare to share with you.  May this speak to someone today.  I have a feeling it will since I feel strongly that God is demanding I write this.

Psalm 27:10
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord cares for me.

My heart bleeds for people who do not feel loved.  Those who feel alone and abandoned cause my eyes to flood with tears.  I'm certain my compassion was born out of my own feelings of loneliness and abandonment.  As a child, my father was absent.  I never had a male role model in my life.  My mother was present, but she would not, could not, did not, give parental love to me and my brother.  At a young age, my brother went to live with our father.  We lived in different cities and, therefore, rarely saw each other.  I can remember looking at families and wondering what it was like.  I always knew I wanted a family of my very own one day.  Other kids talked about what they would be when they grew up.  I always wanted to be a mother.  I never shared that with anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed to explain why. 

As a teenager and young adult, I struggled with numerous issues.  I desperately wanted to have love.  I was looking for someone, anyone, to fill the deep dark pits of emptiness and loneliness in my heart.  Some people were compassionate with me, but others were mean and nasty.  Some people labeled me needy, insecure, etc., etc.  While those descriptions were true, it certainly was not who I was aspiring to be.   I am a firm believer in the toxicity of dysfunctional relationships, but I am also a firm believer in the healing balm of compassion. 

Loneliness and my desire to know love was silently killing me.  I had thoughts of suicide.  I almost had myself convinced that everyone would be better off without me.  I was almost certain that I was a burden to those around me.  In no way did I see any good coming from my life.

My youngest child was enrolled in a preschool at a local church.  I noticed that a woman's Bible study was about to begin.  For some reason, I decided to go.  I look back now and know Jesus led me to that group.  I was placed in a small group with ladies who had grown children.  They instantly took me under their wings.  I fell in love fast and hard.  My heart swells as I think about them.  They were bursting with love and ready and willing to soak me in it.  I will be ever grateful to those ladies.  I love them like crazy.  They showed me love, real love.  They did not judge my heart, nor my life.  They accepted me and shared the Father's love with me.  They didn't want anything in return.  I didn't owe them anything.  They freely loved me.  My eyes sting as I think of them.  Oh, how I truly love those ladies.

I learned that God is MY Father, regardless of what choices my earthly parents made.  His love will not leave me with guilt or shame.  It will always fill me with peace and worth.  No matter what I may have done, or will do, His love is unconditional.  He loves me ALWAYS and FOREVER.  He has taught me how to truly love others.  My love is no longer based on what I will gain, but what I can give.  Oh, how I hope I am pouring His love into my children.  May they always know they are worthy because their Father loves them.  May the icing on the cake be that their earthly parents are crazy about them too.