Thursday, January 3, 2013

Searching for my Savior in all the wrong places

John 8:32
You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

My story is one of searching for love. 

My captivity began at a young age.  My parents divorced when I was two.  I have little to no memory of ever seeing my father.  I was told he did not want a little girl.  Everything about that is sad, I know.

My earliest memory of trying to find a boy to love me was in 4th grade.  My thoughts revolved around getting a boy to like me.  Then I would matter. 

This practice followed me into my teenage years and into adulthood.  I was the girl who always had to have a boyfriend.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was searching for someone to save me from the pain my heart suffered.  The rejection and loneliness.  I desperately wanted to feel that I was loved, important, and mattered.

I began dating my husband when I was a senior in high school.  Sadly, I was still on my search.  Our relationship was not based on anything Jesus desired.  My husband was athletic, handsome, funny, and had a big family.  I was so attracted to all of those things.  I knew I had to be a part of his life.  We fought like cats and dogs.  Of course we did, I needed him to be something he could never be.

We ended up getting married when we graduated college.  Our first child was born 10 and a 1/2 months after our wedding.  We discovered that he had some heart issues when he was 2 months old.  As if we didn't already have stress.  This jolted our marriage into harder times.

We struggled immensely.  It was hard to find support.  Unfortunately, neither of us consulted anyone who offered us Godly counsel. 

As I reflect back on our marriage, it is so clear that I needed him to be my savior.  I had such unrealistic expectations of my husband.

God kept His hand on our marriage through all of the difficult times.  He never gave up on our marriage or let it wither away.  We did not pray about our marriage, but that did not stop God from protecting it.

I began attending a Bible study and slowly, but very surely, found my Savior.  I released the pressure off of my husband and turned my needs to Jesus. 

Jesus has given us a whole new marriage.  We laugh, we share, we support, and we love.  My husband is no longer my fill in savior.  He is my husband.  He is my children's father.  He is the person who fills my heart with happiness and laughter.  My Savior, thankfully, fills my heart with love and joy.