Monday, September 1, 2014

Trusting - moment by moment

It has been quite a while - ok, an extremely long time - since I have blogged.  My heart has experienced many things during my no show.  Throughout my absence, one things has remained constant.  I have relied on Jesus to lead me.

Honestly, I have suffered great writer's block.  My time of no writing led me down a path of lots of quiet time with Jesus.  He and I discussed many things.  He has shown me His loyalty and His confidence in me.  I am seeing His great blessings and faithfulness and I am on my knees in awe! 

This past year we prepared ourselves for our oldest son to leave for college.  I experienced a roller coaster of emotions.  My excitement for him tickled my belly.  However, at times my fear took my breath away. 

Who would keep watch over his health?
Who would make sure he was home safely?
Would he continue to love Jesus when he was away from us?
What would he be exposed to?
Would the morals that we taught him stick with him?
Would he remember to study?

I discovered through all of my worry that I am a control freak.  Who am I kidding??  I have known for a pretty good while that I feel best when I am in control.  I'm the mom who follows behind the kids in the kitchen wiping the counters.  I'm the mom who passes by the kids' rooms and has to physically force myself not to make their beds and clean up.

In my head I know that I am not the one in control, God is. He keeps my children safe and leads them on right paths.  My job is to pray for them, encourage them, and parent them.

Why is it so stinkin' hard sometimes??

Well, because I love like crazy.  God knows that I am trying to trust him even more.  He knows my fears. 

The greatest thing in all of this is that He is allowing me to grow without guilt or shame.  He is showing me how faithful He is.  He is showing me His great love for me and for my family.

Yep, I struggle daily with control.  However, I am learning daily to trust Jesus more and more.  Yes, my oldest now lives in a dorm and makes his own rules.  I have no idea what he is doing day and night.  I have to trust that my husband and I instilled the values and work ethic in him that he needs to thrive and be a successful person and Christian.  More importantly though, I have to trust that Jesus has my son's back.  He lives with him even though I don't.

I must take my fears and control tendencies moment by moment.  As I do, a new peace overtakes me and it. is. wonderful!