Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The absence of a father's love

I have debated within myself for a very long time about writing this post.  I certainly would never want to shame anyone.  However, I am a firm believer that God gives us stories to use to help others.  Therefore, I am choosing to share my story in hopes that someone will gain peace by reading it.

My biological father died last March and he never once told me he loved me.  I never heard that he was proud of me.  I was never told that I was the most beautiful girl in the world either.  All of the things daddies are supposed to tell their daughters never landed on my ears or heart.

My parents divorced when I was very young and my father never seemed to take an interest in my upbringing.  

My father did not walk me down the aisle when I got married even though I asked him to.  My hope was to have my step dad on one side and my biological dad on my other side.  He said no.

About a year before he died, I received a certified letter in the mail.  It was from him.  It was five handwritten pages long and he reprimanded me for being a coward and weak.  He used Bible verses to back up his statements.  

Little did he know that Jesus and I have a love affair going.  

Sadly, my father had no idea that my heart is full of love and compassion.  Had he tried to love me, I surely would have let him.

When I found out he was dying, I wrote him a letter telling him that I loved him and forgave him.  I didn't want him to die with any guilt.  I never heard from him.

I struggled when I found out he died.  My dreams and hopes of him finally loving me died too.  I had to trudge through the muck of pain and realize I would never hear my father say he loved me.  I went through a period where I thought it must certainly have been my fault.  I wondered if I had been a bad daughter.

Jesus walked with me throughout the entire process.  He never left me and never let me get so low that satan got a hold of my heart.  Jesus stood in front of me and let me fall on my knees in deep pain behind Him.  He guarded my heart and continued to whisper His love in my ear.  He led me to various Scriptures and songs that reminded me that He is my Father.  He continued to comfort my heart and tell me that His love is not dependent upon human love, even if it is an earthly parent.

If you struggle with a heart void of parental love, please know that Jesus's love is never absent.  His love is constant and real.  He holds His children and showers them with love as only a real parent can.  Cry out to Him and let Him carry you.  Don't allow satan to use your pain for his good.  May your valley turn into a beautiful mountain of trust and deeper love with your Creator.

I am confident that my father was unable to show love.  It breaks my heart for him that he never knew the relationship between a father and a daughter.  I am not angry with him.  My prayer is that he is being held by his Father and finally at peace.  

You are loved and cherished by your Father.  His eyes light up when He looks upon the beauty He created and He gets a tickle in His belly.  How can He not?  You were specifically created so He could love you.  Allow Him to, sweet one.  He longs to hold you and show you how much you mean to Him.